Daily Whig Obtains Secret Bill Clinton Diary

Clinton War Room, September 2nd, 8:45pm ET

 Dear Diary,

Some odd years ago at Yale, when I was staring down that cute girl in the library – a law student with thick blonde hair, big glasses, a little bit of make-up – someone should have warned me… she’s psychotic.

Truthfully, and you can take me at my word here, I almost feel bad for Hillary. She’s never been as smooth a liar as I am, and she never will be. Nobody, and I mean nobody, is mistaking her for “Slick Hillie.” After all, her one job in our marriage was to cover up for my scandals, and she failed at that one, didn’t she?

But now she’s freaking out at the entire war room because of some right-wing news conspiracy citing FBI documents for facts, or something like that. I stopped paying attention when our hot new intern walked in. That low-cut dress…

But seriously, if anyone has the right to freak out here, it’s me. If it weren’t for the damn Constitution, I’d be running for a third term right now. But instead, we have to run my “wife” who has the political talent of a half-baked potato. But hey, at least she’s better than Gary, who’s just plain baked.

So about this email thing… Honestly, and I’d never lie about something like this, I never thought we’d get caught. I obviously signed Hillary up for yoga to get her out of the house, and she sent me emails of her progress to get me interested. It didn’t. I mean, that’s believable enough, right? And the rest of the deleted emails? They were from Anthony Weiner. There’s no way someone can blame our lawyers for deleting those without opening them first.

But noooooo, Hillary has the entire mainstream media on her side, and her narrative is still collapsing in on itself. Let me show you the difference between my wife and me, The Real Slick Willie: I said, “I did not have sexual relations with that woman.” She said, “I didn’t know that ‘C’ meant it was classified. And if I did know, I must not remember because I hit my head.” What? Amateur hour, man.

I keep on telling her to calm the heck down. Thanks to Clinton News Network, nobody’s been informed that the economy’s bad, so how can we ever lose? There’s no reason to make another speech renouncing my crime or welfare reform bills, two of the highest points of my administration, just to try and get people to like you. Oh right, awkward… Both of those bills do fit nicely into Trump’s platform.

She’s staring at me now… It’s been years, and that stare still scares the crap out of me. It’s like the Eye of Sauron and Medusa rolled into one… Jitters.

I can’t write anymore. That stare has officially taken me out of the mood, like she always does, but not for long of course.

‘Till next time,


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