Cruz and Sanders Set to Square Off in Almost-Presidential Debate

In the new American tradition of “everybody is a winner,” Sen. Ted Cruz and Sen. Bernie Sanders will kick off the first inaugural “Almost-Presidential Debate” tonight at 9pm on CNN.

“This is the debate that America has been waiting to see,” said a Cruz spokesman. “I mean, what could have been… right?”

The two almost-nominees are hoping to put on a well-reasoned and measured debate over the highly controversial subject of Obamacare. Cruz is expected to tell his moving story of how he was forced to switch to Obamacare while Sanders is expected to point out the well-known fact that Republicans want poor people to die.

Running counter to the “everybody is a winner” ethos of the debate, CNN will award one point to Cruz for every time he references God and one point to Sanders for every time he references a European country. It is unsure what exactly the point of the scoring system is, but Sanders is promising free waffles on the house if victorious.

Earlier, President Donald Trump tweeted: “Lyin’ Ted can’t beat me, so he goes on CNN (fake news!!!) to debate the other loser! His dad shot JFK! SAD.”

Hillary Clinton could not be reached for comment. No, seriously. She wasn’t at the bar in Chappaqua and we’re a little bit worried.

Photo Credit Michael Vadon

-Trevor Louis

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